Comic/Tragic Face

My new used bike for getting back and forth to work.

Keaau, May ‘73
The Bonding Mechanism

Events had made it impossible for me to continue my relationship with
C.S. I moved my tent down to where Eddy was camped. I preferred my
solitude as opposed to witnessing the bonding mechanism move forward
between C.S. and Tim. Living on the beach had become joyless. If it
weren't for my job, I would have left this place long ago. In my
agitated state, I couldn't read books, play my horn, or write. I felt
like a worthless, empty, uncreative slug. The only thing that I was
really sure of was the relentless nausea that ached in my stomach.

When I was around people, especially new people, I would try to be
honest to a fault. If my negative side was recognized and accepted,
liking the rest of me was easy. Sometimes, though, that exaggerated
behavior went so far as to sabotage relationships. That was kind of
where I was at now. I had pushed C.S. so far away that there was no
getting her back. Because of this, I both hated myself and felt pleased
with myself; that is, the comic/tragic face often seen on the movie
screen had now become my face. I agreed with Desmond Morris; love
was a "bonding mechanism," a biological necessity to insure the perpetuation
of the species, and I resolved a long time ago I would never suffer
the nausea of another broken bond. I had never intended my involvement
with C.S. to go that far.


May 30

I put Carol Sue on a 747 non-stop flight to Chicago yesterday. I took
her to the airport and we parted on good terms. I couldn't deny
my feelings. I was hooked by love's magnetism, but something inside
of me wouldn't let the bonding mechanism complete itself. I couldn't
explain it; I just knew it was my fault and that fault wouldn't go away.
The more I loved C.S., the more I rejected that love. By pushing her into
Tim's arms I almost killed what we had. Before she left, C.S. made it clear
that she still wanted to be with me. We agreed to try again. We will,
but not here, and not now.

All Too Human

That's life, that's what all the people say
You're ridin' high in April, shot down in May
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around


Time To Move On
Keaau
May

Honesty, for me, had always been an important part of any
relationship. I guess that's why I could subject myself to so much
ridicule. I was far from perfect. If things got too bad, then it was
time to move on. I was fair about it, though. If my girl left me to
have an affair with another guy, that was okay. I just didn't want
her to do it behind my back, and then pretend that nothing had
happened. If she was honest about it, and she still wanted to be
with me after the affair was over, then, maybe, we could get back
together. After all, relationships were about growth,
and growth was sometimes painful. In fact, in many cases, if there
wasn't any growth, there wouldn't be a relationship. It was all about
relationship. If you couldn't have a relationship with me, than go
find it somewhere else. That was what I believed, so I didn't feel
like I was doing anything wrong when I encouraged C.S. and Tim to get
together. It's just that I was a little unhappy with the result
because they did.

The past couple of days I had been witnessing what could be loosely
called an affair between C.S. and Tim. I had spent last night walking
the beach trying to rise above my nausea. I am still in a highly
emotional state. Whether or not Carol Sue actually had sex with Tim
was of little importance. I believed she had. I am convinced she wants
to. I spent the beginning of last night listening to their drunken
carrying on in Tim's tent. Uninhibited voices carried well across the
beach. I carried no ill will for either one of them (I was a little
disappointed with C.S. though). My discontent was directed at myself;
it was the condition I called "all too human."

Mind Dyslexia

Don’t try hiding, cause there isn’t any use
You start sliding when you’re heart turns on the juice
Comes a headache, you can lose it in a day
Comes a toothache, see your dentist right away
Comes love, nothing can be done



Keaau Beach
Comes Love Nothing Can Be Done
May ‘73

After Tim Terrific moved to Keaau beach he and C.S. got along so well
that when they were together, I would pick up and leave. I would walk
down the beach, or go see Eddy who now lived at the other end of the
park. Tim was in the Navy, so he didn't stay on the beach all the
time. When he wasn't around, we, C.S. and I, would look after his
things. Everybody liked Tim. In fact, his self-explanatory beach name
says it all. Confronted with the blossoming friendship between
C.S. and Tim, however, I lost sight of what I expected out of our
relationship. Was I still committed to C.S.? I didn't know. Did I even
want the relationship to continue? I didn't know that either. I just
knew that I was hurting, painfully hurting.

The one thing that I did know, however, was that if we were going to
stay together, I expected C.S. to want to be with me. If she didn't want
that then she was free to leave—go home, do her own thing—whatever
it was that she wanted to do it would be okay with me. But, then I was
confronted with another dilemma. Which "me" did I expect her to love:
the solemn me; the playful me; the adventurous me; or the me that suffered
the anguish of associative uncontrollable empathy? My defense against the
conflicting nature of these questions had always been to shut down,-- or hit
the road. As long as I kept myself aloof from social relationships these
vulnerabilities never arose. If I could perfect "being an island onto myself,"
being hurt or causing somebody else pain would never arise.

Relationships--Mental Merry-Go-Round

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin
He says, "Son, can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes."


Piano Man--The Song That Kept Me Company While At Work

Makaha, Hawaii
May ‘73

Back in Houghton Lake, when I used to visit Carol Sue, our
relationship was protected. It was carried out in the privacy of her
apartment. There were, of course, normal interactions with friends,
but everybody knew everybody else's "business." There was no threat to
the status quo. In a small town, with few opportunities for social
bonding, relationships tended to begin early and last a long time. I
guess you could say there was security in stagnation. With C.S. living
with me on the beach, my (our) security was threatened constantly.

It was not like living at home. C.S. and I confronted a whole
different set of circumstances and obstacles on the beach. There were
the marauding locals. Fortunately, C.S. and I fared well there, but,
even so, on the beach, opportunities to meet people were thrust upon
you. It was like living in a fish bowl! This was not a problem for
C.S. She reveled in the attention, but while she was making new
friends, I was struggling with stability, security, and identity
questions. It didn't take long before I began to doubt that I was
really the guy Carol Sue wanted to be with. Or, even worse, I started
to believe that I couldn't make her happy. I convinced myself that she
would be better off with somebody else. She needed a guy who could
give her the attention she craved, and I wasn't that person. When
C.S. became good friends with another beach camper, I felt that it was
pretty much over between us.

God Free Of Prejudice Is A God Of Love

The George Burns portrayal of God in Carl Reiner’s 1977 film, “Oh, God!” was/is a great cover for the more generic divinity that resides in each and every one of us. Ultimately, my goal (these journal postings considered in total) is to explain why God’s logical consistency is connected necessarily to the evolution of our knowledge of the universe, i.e., knowledge which preserves and perpetuates freedom, life, love, and reverence for “the God that makes all possible.”



Yoga Yes--Secret Teachings—No
Yoga Graduation One Day Later
My Rebuttal

1) We were told that when semen reached our head, we would be
liberated. I don't think so! The fluid in your head (lachrymal fluids)
is not the same as the fluid in your testicles.

2) We were told everybody did not favor the birth of the "new age." It
had enemies who were not spiritual. Theses enemies worked to prevent
the growth of spirit. Times were going to get worse before they got
better, therefore we should learn Karate. As far as I was concerned
violence begets violence. How could you be pure, and at the same time,
be ready to take off someone else's head?

3) The spiritual teachers of today would become leaders in the "new
age." Sahash was one of those teachers, and, when required, he would
take on the mantle of a leader. "Leader" presupposed hierarchy and
condescension. How could a leader be ego-free? Leading reinforces ego
and/or creates it!

4) Guru's could pass Guruship on to their sons. Sahash told us how a
son of a guru was an aggressive nine-year old before he was called to
serve God. He then became a warrior who admonished the faithful to
pick up their swords and fight for the truth. According to this
warrior guru, the greatest event possible was to die for the truth.

The stars will fall from the sky before some things change. Man cannot
liberate himself from himself and still be himself. How could a father
say, "love your brother" while his son says "pick up the sword and
fight for what's right?" One may argue defense in many legitimate
ways, but you will never find an Army of egoless soldiers. It just
won't happen. And further, how original is it to "fight on the side of
truth" and then glorify "dying for this truth?" This justification has
been the motivation behind one religious war after another. We have
had one person die on the cross already, why do we need more?

Sahash said that his teachings had been passed down from guru to guru
without losing their purity. Yet, one Saint could be sublime and
passive, while the other could be aggressive and outspoken. Can "the
truth" change that fast and still remain "the truth?" How can I both
"love my neighbor" and "thirst for death in the service of truth?" As
far as I could tell, only the Vikings were able to do that. Their
greatest reward was, after death, to fight alongside Odin, their main
god, for eternity. In their heaven, they could both love and kill
their neighbors! But, I like to think we have come a ways since then.
Aren't we a bit more civilized? "Dying for truth" has always been and
always will be a political (not spiritual) maxim. After all, whose
truth is it anyway? "Dying for truth" or "rally round the flag, boys,"
has always been "the call" to motivate and the control the troops.
That "call" not only mocks my intelligence, it also makes a mockery
out of all religion.

5) Teacher's make sacrifices to help others. Sacrifice presupposes
attachment. It elevates the ego. If it weren't for the ego, there
wouldn't be anything to sacrifice. Hegel summed it up when he said,
"It did not matter what the determination or content was which could
distinguish being from something else; whatever gave being content
would, ultimately, prevent being from maintaining itself in its
purity. Being was pure indetermination and emptiness. Nothing could be
apprehended in it."

6) Teachers should stand out. They should act like Saints; and they
should wear white. Wearing white, according to Sahash, would remind a
person to "think like a Saint," and if you thought like a Saint, you
would become one. How idealistic! How can somebody be pure when he has
to walk around proving his purity? Gurus wear white so they will be
identified as gurus and not as hippies. That way, again, according to
Sahash, they will become respected teachers. "Identification" is the
key word here. Need I say more? I can’t' imagine a better form of ego
enhancement, and I've tried.

A guru was supposed to look and act like a Saint. I had a hard time
believing that "acting like a Saint" made you a Saint. The most
obvious contradiction, almost verging on downright stupidity, was to
say, "Looking like a Saint, would make you one." Sahash acknowledged
his un-Sainthood, but he believed that being treated like a Saint
would make him act more saintly, and, eventually, that would turn him
into a Saint. Good luck!

7) Guru Bhajan unselfishly allowed his picture to be taken so his
devotees could meditate upon his eyes and thereby gain spiritual
strength. An expression of taut eyebrows and a piercing look,
characterized his picture. (Gurus were not supposed to get their
picture taken.) Guru Bajan "sacrificed" this no, no, for the sake of
his students. Here again, we see an act of ego and/or exhibitionism.

8) There was too much talk in the first person. For instance, when we
sang George Harrison's song, "My Sweet Lord," Sahash had us substitute
Sahash's mantra and the name of guru Bhajan for the name of Krishna
and the Krishna' mantra; that kind of "blatant attachment" made it
hard for me to want to "lose myself" in the group.

9) "God is all-benevolent." The following criticism is not just
directed at Sahash and his group, it is also directed at The Concept
as such. Sahash said, "You must sing the praises of the Lord to
liberate yourself from karma." He said, "The people of India are
starving because they have bad karma, and Americans are not starving
because they have good karma." What kind of value system would bless
America and condemn third world countries?

If God was all-benevolent, He would be all inclusive (He wouldn't
practice exclusivity and He wouldn't be a He). He would, therefore,
accept everybody into His kingdom. Karma shouldn't matter. Accepting
Jesus shouldn't matter. Why was the door to the afterlife always
guarded by "this or that praise onto the Lord?" Why would God want a
landlord-serf relationship with His worshipers? For everything there
is a purpose, turn, turn, turn. What is the purpose of a Lord who
requires praises? What is the purpose of a Lord who needs to lord it
over the rest of us? I don't know. I want to know. Anyway, after
listening to Sahash, I knew I could no longer be a part of his group.
In fact, I became very upset. It was as if I was having a panic attack!

Yoga Graduation Day

Truth In The Name Of The Lord
Where Have I Heard That Before
May, '73

Sahash had made arrangements for a weekend retreat. It took place in
an absolutely beautiful spot on the north side of the island. The
gathering was held under a grove of pine trees, about a half-mile off
the highway, on private property. Sahash, his wife, Siri, and a couple
of her friends, prepared the food. By noon, all twelve of us had
arrived (Babbet dropped out of the class after the second week), and
we were under strict orders not to speak. If anybody talked it had to
be Sahash. For the most part, though, we spent the entire day in silence.

It was a warm sunny day, and everybody was excited. In fact, I
worked harder doing the exercises than I had ever done before. The
afternoon meal was, of course, vegetarian. It was the best vegetarian
meal I had ever had, perhaps my best meal ever. It came in all
varieties and colors. I just wished I could have asked what it was.
After dinner there was a scheduled rest period, and then we were back
raising the kundalini to the highest levels yet. During the "breath of
fire" I lost touch with my sense of location, time, and identity. I
did come back down, though. I didn't know it at the time, but before
the night was over, I would find myself not just down, but in freefall.

It was well after dark before Sahash let us go to bed. I was alert
(because of my spiritual condition), but I was also glad to lie down
and relax. It didn't last. We were summoned from sleep at 3 a.m..
Sahash had the campfire going as he motioned for everybody to gather
round. This was going to be his promised final lecture.

He began by telling us that a "new age" was already upon us. This "new
age" required teachers who were willing to make sacrifices. He said,
"God is benevolent, but God requires respect, discipleship, and
service." Essentially, during this talk, Sahash said things I
disagreed with and things that were just plain wrong. Afterward I
wrote down the stuff that was disturbing. (Actually, I wrote what I
could remember down, on the following day, after I had returned to
Keaau, but that’s in tomorrows post).

After Sahash had finished his lecture, he told the group to go back to
their sleeping bags and meditate until the need for sleep arose. As
everybody fell back into the darkness, I took Sahash aside and did the
unmentionable. I broke the silence. I tried to do it in whispers, but
it soon became apparent that Guru Sahash and I were having words, and
not very friendly ones at that. I asked him, "How can any truth
justify an offensive war?" I told him I couldn't live with that.
Sahash, on the other hand, was very upset that I had broken the
silence, especially in the presence of his "holiest of holy"
teachings. That was totally unacceptable. In his eyes, I had become
the infidel, the black cloud that had brought rain to his perfect day.

The life-pulse of the whole retreat was put at risk. I could feel it.
Sahash could feel it. Everybody could feel it. Sahash had to do
something fast or lose face. He ordered me out of the area. He told me
to get my stuff and leave. I was happy to oblige, even though I could
barely see. I grabbed my stuff and walked out from under the trees and
down the ridge to the beach. On the beach, I was greeted by millions
of stars. I was not required to sing their praises, but they were
noted and appreciated anyway. When I was far enough away form the
retreat to feel comfortable, I sat down and meditated until the light
from the eastern sky drowned out the starlight. It took a long time
before I could get my mind into a meditative state, but once there, I
felt more `there' then I had ever felt before.

Two Lover’s On The Beach

Our New Home

Keaau Beach
April, `73

C.S. and I have been getting along like lovers. I didn't realize how
much I had missed her until she was back in my arms. Our romantic
feelings couldn't have gotten any better. The Hawaiian sunsets and
beaches probably had a lot to do with it.

Carol Sue was not enthusiastic when it came to my yoga class. But,
since it was almost over anyway, she tolerated it. I only missed one
session in the five-week period. I wished I could say the same thing
for my time spent outside of class. Living on the beach was not
exactly the best environment for becoming holy. After her arrival, well,
let's just say I almost forgot to go to class. Nevertheless, even with
all those distractions, I was still one of Sahash's better students.
In fact, I might have gone on to become his best student were it not
for the last week of the 40-day period. That was graduation week, but
not for me.