And I Just Can't Get It Back
Ocean Beach,
San Diego
Saying Good-by
Jolynn and I finally got some time alone when Denny left for San
Francisco. We went to Sea World, and spent time on the beach
together. We didn't get off to a good start though, and maybe that
had something to do with the fact that whatever we'd had going for
us back in Texas was sadly missing in California. It's not that
things were bad. It's just that after the novelty of sex wore off, I
couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing from our
relationship. Jolynn could feel it too. Lying in bed one morning,
she asked me about it. I didn't know what to tell her. Jolynn was
just to damn innocent; I would have walked across fire to keep from
hurting her. Even so, I couldn't deny that my feelings toward her
had somehow changed. The old feelings were gone. I tried, but I just
couldn't get them back.
After delivering the car to San Francisco, Denny came back to San
Diego driving an old '53 Chevy. On the way to San Francisco, he had
passed the car sitting in a farmer's field. When he inquired about
it, the farmer sold it to him. He planned on driving it all the way
back to Michigan. Jolynn and her sister were glad to have Denny
back. I guess it was his happy-go-lucky attitude that they found so
entertaining. By keeping everybody laughing, he took the edge off.
With Denny around, any hope I had for finding my lost feelings for
Jolynn all but disappeared. After that, I took long solitary walks
on the beach; but in a way, I was okay with that.
The time that was best for us (I didn't ask Jolynn, but I bet she
would have agreed) was spent not only with Denny, but with Rollin
(the hitchhiker we dropped off) as well. Since Rollin lived in San
Diego, he stopped by. After catching us up on what happened to Mike
(his parents finally asked Mike to leave when he stopped acting like
a guest and more like a kid with an insatiable appetite) Rollin
asked us if we wanted to party. We not only enjoyed his company, we
were about to enjoy his mescaline too.
Jolynn had done hallucinogens a couple of times before, and now she
wanted to do some with me. Maybe tripping with her would put things
straight between us; we had nothing to lose. Rollin was the host, so
we followed his lead. He took us to Tory Pines State Park, which was
just south of San Diego. The dope was good, but it didn't matter
much because the scenery was spectacular. The park, located high
above the Pacific Ocean, presented many outstanding ocean views. We
spent the entire day climbing in and out of the clay fissures that
speckled the ocean side cliffs. At the end of the day we watched the
ocean swallow the sun from a ledge 200 feet above the outgoing tide.
Witnessing the soft yellows illuminate the beach, cliffs, and ocean,
was spellbinding.
After Jolynn and I tripped together, the tension in our relationship
seemed to disappear. Its not that we fell back in love, it was more
like a mutual understanding arose between us. Our love for each
other was real (acid speaks truth), but so was the realization that
it just wasn't the right time or place for us to pursue that love.
The planets, or whatever it was that brought us together, did so at
the wrong time.We might meet again, maybe, but right now we just had
to be content with "knowing" that the strong feelings we had for each
other were real. As it turned out, the knowledge that we truly cared for
each other came just at the right time because back at the apartment all
hell broke lose.
We were basking in the glow of the day's activities when Pat came
home and asked what we thought about it. "It," being what had
totally slipped our mind, especially Jo's mind. Pat had told us the
day we arrived and had repeated it the day before that she was going
to be on a taped version of the Dating Game TV program, which aired
during the time we were tripping at Tory Pines. Imagine, a totally
self-centered ego-freak, getting the Miss America crown, and then
finding out nobody cared. Pat, when she found out we missed the
airing of her television show, threw a fit. There was no living with
her after that. I felt real, real, bad for Jolynn. It wasn't her
fault, but she's the one who got the brunt of Pat's rancor. After
all, she was (as was so mercilessly pointed out over and over) Pat's
only sister. After that everybody agreed it was time for Denny and I
to leave. Saying good-bye to Jolynn was hard. I didn't know what to
say or how to say it. I couldn't honestly say anything. I stumbled
through the good-byes, but it took a long time before the pain in my
stomach went away.
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