Riding The See-Saw
Three Rivers Junction
Nov. 7, '70
The ride wasn't boring! My excitement was not prompted by any
extraneous event. Instead, it was the result of a revelatory
experience, an eruption of thought. This revelation deeply affected
me; it changed my perception of reality. It was not however, the
result of an inference or reasoned deduction. It had nothing to do
with logic. The revelation was just that, a revelation that popped
into my head (it had no voice attached to it). I was absolutely
convinced of its authenticity.
On that night, it was raining hard enough to make driving difficult.
I was doing my best to stay on the highway and still make good time.
At 3 am, nothing was unusual. Mike and his chick were in the
backseat asleep, and I was thinking normal thoughts Then, for no
apparent reason, something flashed in my brain. It was like words
crossing the bottom of a television screen warning of an impending
disaster. In my mind's eye those words read: Flash…There is no such
thing as human nature. Man is capable of anything…Flash…There is no
such thing as human nature. Man is capable of anything. I didn't
know why or how the words came to be. I didn't think them. Nobody
spoke them. They just appeared, and reappeared, and reappeared. The
question of whether to believe them did not arise. They were true.
They are true. Suddenly, everything was so clear, and I couldn't
believe that it took me so long to comprehend such a simple truth.
The question, "What is man?" had always perplexed me. I had always
thought of him as a greedy, malicious, self-centered, egoist – a
Hobbesian puppet, but human motivation isn't like that. It's too
slippery to mold, box or explain. It can't be contained in one
cracker-jack theory. Where are the absolutes? There aren't any!
Where are the valid labels? There aren't any!
The ultimate truth of this revelation, - There is no such thing as
human nature. Man is capable of anything-- I am only now beginning
to understand. It will take more than my lifetime to fully digest
what's going on here. There are no essences, only annihilations.
With this revelation, a feeling of total freedom filled my body, and
simultaneously a feeling of rapt unimportance filled my body. After
my revelation, I knew I would have to change my priorities; yet, I
also knew that it didn't matter if I changed my priorities! I knew
that from here on out whatever decisions I would make were only
accountable to me, while I was meaningless and accountable to
nothing. I spent the rest of the ride down to McAllen on this mental
merry-go-round. Not at any moment, however, did I feel bored.
A little before daybreak, we came to Three Rivers Junction and
that's where I said good-bye to Mike. I slept under a tree and
remained sleeping until the sun rose high in the sky. I started
hitching back to Padre Island after that, but I was so entrenched in
thought from the previous night's revelation that I totally forgot
to get out of the car when it passed by my destination. I had to
backtrack fifteen miles. Instead of hitching, however, I walked the
beach. There was nothing but seagulls and hermit crabs to keep me
company. I needed time to reflect on the meaning of the previous
night's revelation. It was a cold and gloomy day, but I hardly
noticed. When I finally arrived back at Bob Hall Pier, the bottoms
of my feet were raw.
I was tired. I wanted to sleep. Instead, Iva showed up in her ailing
car. She was by far the last person I wanted to see. Jolynn was
still a beautiful memory, and I wanted to keep it that way. I tucked
in my chin (I didn't want to hurt her), and acted like I was happy
to see her. I tried to fix her car, but ended up waiting with her
until she got someone else to fix it. After that, she took me into
town and bought me dinner.
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