I Had The Feeling That Something Was Missing
If That's All There Is My Friend Then…
Campsite
Deadstream Swamp
Sept. `72
The late morning sun was shining in the rustling tree branches when
I dropped the acid. The aromas of fall were overwhelming as I turned
and walked down to the edge of the water. Dozens of stumps and many
tall dead trees were sticking out of the swamp. When I started to
walk back to camp I stumbled upon a trail covered by overgrowth. In
the middle of the trail I saw a gray fox staring at me. Both of us
waited for a sign that did not come, a noise or movement that would
send one of us scurrying. Our contact intensified, and so did the
warmth that I was feeling. The fox broke first, running in the
opposite direction along the edge of the path. He kept looking back
though; I suppose to see if I was really a threat. When he was
totally out of sight, I was overcome by a feeling of total peace.
The sun climbed higher in the sky, as I removed my sweater and hung
it on a stubby tree branch. I couldn't have asked for better
weather. I was a little uncomfortable though; I hadn't eaten in
three days. I hoped my fasting would give this experiment more
substance. Things weren't going as well as I had hoped, however. I
didn't feel any more spiritual than before I had dropped the acid.
For me, this was just another acid trip. Sure I was enjoying the
nature part of it, but I expected more. I wanted more than a nice
trip. When I began having a hard time staying focused on my mantra
(I had been repeating it silently and vocally all morning), I knew I
had to do something or face the fact that this experiment might go
bust. In other words, all that stuff about God and acid might only
be somebody's idea of a wet dream. Oh, well, when plan A fails, go
to plan B, so I did.
I figured if I needed to experience the full impact of two hits of
acid in order to find God, then it was now or never. I had never
done two hits of this acid before (one hit had always been enough).
I didn't know what to expect, but, after a slight hesitation (the
hesitation that occurs before you double dose on any drug), I
swallowed the second hit. Then I went into my tent, laid down on my
back, and tried to concentrate on my mantra. Keeping track of time
became a challenge. I must have been inside my tent for quite a
while because when I went back outside everything was different; I
was into a very heavy acid trip. Except for the occasional chirp of
a bird, or the sound of a light breeze blowing across my ears, quiet
prevailed.
I sat on a stump and looked down into last night's campfire ashes.
It was like looking at different colored paints spilling on a
spinning piece of cardboard. The ashes melted into bright
symmetrical patterns, consisting of various hues that just kept
changing. I knew I could sit there forever, but I didn't come here
just to be entertained. Direct sunlight was hitting the ground just
off to my left, so I sat on the ground, in the center of the light,
cross-legged. With eyes closed, I softly chanted Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
over and over. Sitting there I felt as though the warm sunlight had
penetrated my forehead and moved directly into my brain. It was a
very special feeling.
At first I was bothered by distractions. There were sounds that I
could not identify. I itched. Light flickered across my closed
eyelids. Leafy aromas wafted under my nose. Then, all of a sudden, I
became aware of the sound of my mantra. It absorbed all the other
sounds. The real (or imaginary) insects that irritated me went away.
When the severe pain in my legs also vanished, I opened my eyes.
Looking down at my legs I saw only a haze of fuzzy gray. Having no
legs did not upset me. I no longer needed them. I (all my sense
experience) was somehow rolled up in the syllables of my vibrating
mantra. I was looking out from the center of sound. I was "present"
in a way I had never been present before. I had never ever dreamed
a "presence" like that one before. And, in another instant, it all
disappeared. The sound was gone and with it, so was I. I lost
consciousness. I guess I passed out.
When I woke up, I found myself lying face down in the dirt. By then,
the shadows on the trees were much longer and the sun that had
warmed my face was long gone. I was still heavily tripping, but it
was a regular acid trip. I suppose I could have tried to get back to
where I was, but I was more than content to let the dope run its
course. I had no intentions of becoming a holy man. I just wanted to
see if there was anything to what Ram Dass had said. For me, that
was a one-of-a-kind acid trip. I didn't know what to make of it.
But, as far as I was concerned, the experiment was not a failure. I
was pretty sure that spiritual reality and acid were not
incompatible, but, based on this experiment, I do not believe that
they are causally linked to one another either. The ingestion of
acid has just as much of a chance (actually, much more of a chance)
of dropping you in your worst nightmare as it does of lifting you up
to the ethereal heights of bliss. And, in the end, even Ram Dass
says it's all bogus because it's all temporary. When you come down,
all you are left with is the feeling of being cheated, or something
much worse!
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