Category Of Survivalist

Help, I need somebody,
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?


Thinking Through Nihilism—The Origin Of Human Nature
A Meditation Conceived While Visiting Eddy In The Hospital


Trying to solve everybody's problems left me stressed out, but I had
benefited from all the time spent in the hospital. The waiting gave me
time to rethink my philosophy.

I knew that human nature resisted every attempt at categorization, but
it bothered me that I was using a denial, a category in itself, to
deny the reality of human nature. It simply was just not possible to
live outside of circumstance. That was the given! If my circumstance
was full of violence, then I had to deal with it. When I confronted
violence, I could not act on its origin (for the most part,
ignorance), I had to act on its threat. In the mode of non-violence, I
confronted violence, and, in turn, was confronted by my own possible
annihilation. I was in the category of survivalist when I confronted
the possibility of my own demise. I could run, beg forgiveness, fight,
or scream. I had to act, though, or face extinction. It's all history
now. Caught in a violent situation, I chose to respond violently. I am
no longer ambivalent over "how I would respond.” The question
remains, however, "How can I be the category
of no category?" This is my confusion and my nausea.

I would like to pursue this project further, but it's getting late
and I must return to Eddy. Sometimes I think faster than I write and
lose thoughts and/or ideas in the process, especially when I'm tired.
This is an urgent issue for me. I am convinced that my nihilism—a
universal nihilism—is what is "real" in human nature, but, for me,
this is sometimes a difficult belief to maintain. Lacking the
socialization to do otherwise, people were predictably cruel and
violent. If I am to continue to deny human nature, I must find more
evidence to support my beliefs, or change them.